Ramblings of a 40 Something

I am certain about this -- I will never know. He wouldn't talk about how to fix our marriage, what I was doing wrong, what he wanted, where he saw us while we were together so why would he now? Because honestly what is the point of pushing the topic, it won't fix anything now. In all honesty, would it have mattered? Would it have changed anything to know the answers? Would I have changed? Would we have put in the work and effort to make it better? Or were we just doomed from the start? I think it would have just been a band aid on a stupid situation...At some point I need to chalk it up to 2 people that settled, got pregnant and stayed. Then life happened and kept happening. We just aren't those people anymore and that caused us to be dissatisfied.  Now I just want to be better. Apologize to the old gone friends and learn to make new ones, that's the hard part at 40. Who knew making friends as a middle aged mom was harder than in high school. And let's be honest, ma...

I know that I am a good person and I don't doubt that I can make a relationship work but why? I have yet to be worth it to anyone...my parents never had the time for my "problems" unless it had an affect on their image or so it felt.  John left -- he was probably the one that would have stayed, loved me in spite of, Peter was a manipulative liar -- married really?! Then there was the last, the man that had a long list of I have nevers -- 1st kiss, sex, all of it was me --is that the problem? Should I not have been? Was I too much? Were my wants and needs too over the top or what? He is a great dad, please don't get me wrong...he adores his children and is a wonderful human in that regard. We just don't work. Interestingly enough I seem to be the common denominator in all of these "bad" situations and I still want to blame others? What if I really am the problem? Can you gaslight yourself? Is it selfish of me to believe that I could be that "big...

 When you see that you have been alienated from everyone and are asked about every single person you ever mention as if you were being interrogated for war crimes. Looking at what is left of my life and realizing that I have no friends left, most of my family believe that I am crazy and the problem child, so to speak, and that I have no idea what a healthy relationship of any sort looks like. He has made me into a shell of myself and I allowed it and now I sit rehashing everything that every comes out of my mouth and doing nothing more than questioning every motivation that every person I talk to or interact with on every single level. I feel like a insanely paranoid version of the person I once was and now I wonder how much of my struggles with depression and anxiety were pushed to those brinks because he wanted to control what the narrative was. So what is his motivator?  Now we all know and understand that I am the reason our marriage failed, because after 19 years I gave u...

I am here packing up nearly twenty years of my life, sorting through things we got and trying to decided if I leave it or take it with me. But this is the easy way out right? The memories of all of the good, the bad, the struggles, the love flooding without reprieve.  How does one chalk up 19 years to his & hers? And if it is really that easy why do we marry to begin with? I thought it was meant to be the melting of two lives into one that was to last for forever, not to be ripped away like a band aid that has been on too long. Why does love have to be so hard? Why doesn't it bother him? I really am just an item to be used and discarded as he sees fit. Why is it ok to just give up and walk away from someone who gave you their everything? Carried your children, gave up on their dreams to support you making yours come true while making sure that the world ran smoothly and there were no worries or concerns for you...I gave up everything. I can put a smile on, I can play the part o...

 It's been nearly six years now. On one hand it's a lifetime ago, and on the other it feels like  yesterday.  I don't miss him or that friendship anymore, and I have realized the bit about my just being a "piece of @$$" is probably true. Funny thing is after everything that year and T moving out and back in I thought our relationship would improve. And it did for  half a breath and then it fell completely apart right after I got pregnant with our youngest.  He was mean and hurtful and I dished it right back to him because it is either go big or go home with that part of our relationship. Now I wish I would have sat down and shut up more. If for no other reason than to keep the peace. I knew the morning our baby was born we wouldn't grow old together, there was a harsh disconnect that had never been there before. I was nearly certain that he didn't love me anymore, it was more a matter of "she's here doing what I need done so cool." Love tho, ...

I have been keeping a ramblings journal for the last month. Currently filled with my goings on about various things to include my recent separation and pending divorce. Mainly what that looks like and feels like for someone who is struggling with mental health issues, holding down several jobs, parenting multiple children of a wide rage of ages, and trying to find herself. These ramblings are one sided, obviously he has his point of view on the situations, and without a doubt I am the main cause of the ending of our marriage. I know that and am able to accept it completely.  So here we go...